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Spoiler Points for Shoot 'Em Up (2007) [R] 80 minutes
WIP™ Scale: $14.25
Film's Official Website • Film's Trailer
Click to read the non-spoiler review
So, after saving the baby from certain death at the gun barrel of homicidal Hertz (Paul Giamatti), Smith (Clive Owen) tries to find the baby a proper drop off spot. His lifestyle is not conducive to carrying around a baby all the time. Each of his efforts though is thwarted by one of two forces: those of the unrelenting Hertz and those of the shadowy government operatives that seem to be equally interested in getting the baby. The playground drop off fails, leaving him on the run. He meets up with Madam Donna Quintano (Monica Bellucci) or DQ for short, and tries to convince her to take the baby for a few days for $5K. She's lactating for customers anyway, he reasons, why not do it for what it was meant for? But, she's hesitant to play along with his mess until she too is paid a visit by Hertz who tortures her with thigh burns from the tip of his recently fired hand gun. Fortunately, Smith returns with his own gun a blazing taking out all of Hertz's men and thinking he's killed Hertz as well. After this, DQ's fully onboard. They must get to the bottom of what's going on, and they need a safe haven. They also need guns, which he secures at a gun shop with cash and food stamps. They go to Smith's hide-out, a loft-style apartment he's created in an abandoned building accessible only by knowing where to find a rat behind one brick and letting him loose to open the door on the other side through another brick. Here they dine on carrots and discover that the baby, whom Smith names Oliver after Oliver Twist, seems to be calmed by heavy metal music. But, somehow, Hertz finds them and unleashes his wrath upon them. Smith and DQ have to kill dozens and dozens of men to escape alive. Once out, they track down the nightclub where Smith suspects Oliver's mother had been living. It's the only heavy metal club near where he found his mother. Sure enough, their approach leads him to quiet down, and once inside, DQ uses her 'charms' to get the owner to let them in to the apartment above.
They discover in the apartment a lab used to implant fertilized embryos into surrogate mothers. Everyone there has been killed recently and the machinery destroyed. It looks as though there's only one sperm donor, however, that of Senator Rutledge. Smith surmises that Rutledge is dying of a disease curable only with bone marrow of a viable donor, and this lab was churning out babies in hopes of finding just such a donor. In effect, baby Oliver is Rutledge's son.
Again they must flee, and this time they hole up in a hotel. Smith calls all the media outlets and the FBI hoping to get some coverage of the story and to get someone out of the woodwork to help them. As DQ puts Oliver to sleep in the bathtub, she and Smith realize they can resist each other no more and begin to engage each other in a scene of extremely raw passion. Had they been any other people, their carnal encounter would have been cut short, but Smith shoots up the marauders in seconds allowing himself to finish and exclaim, "That brings new meaning to shooting your load." A crass line, in some ways, but the kinds of things he's been known to say mixing his metaphors throughout the film.
Piecing things together along the way, Smith and DQ figure out that the likely people behind the murder of Oliver's mother, are the Hammerson gun people because they stand to lose a fortune if the anti-gun lobbying Senator Rutledge becomes president. If they can end his plans to cure himself, then it's a win win for them.
Finally, he realizes the only way to keep DQ and the baby safe, is to hide them in a old military tank in a museum for three days with food and water. A funny spanking scene with Smith spanking a mother as an example to show her why she shouldn't spank her son, serves as the diversion to get Oliver and DQ into hiding.
A visit to the gun factory confirms his suspicions as to for whom Mr. Hertz is working. This exciting scene ends with Smith having rigged the entire warehouse with automatic weapons and, like a puppet master, pulling the strings to take out the entire army of forces send to kill him.
In order to keep Oliver and DQ safe for the next part of the plan, he puts them on a nationwide tour bus and tells them to get off at a random spot. He'd better not know where.
Then he makes plans to meet with the Senator aboard his next flight, and there discovers that the Senator has made a deal with the devil, he'll go soft on guns in exchange for his life. That doesn't sit well with Smith, so he captures the Senator and holds him hostage until he gets into the cargo hold of the plane where he shoots him and used him to block the hatch from above while he parachutes out of the bottom of the plane. In hot pursuit are numerous agents, one of whom ends up getting thrown into a helicopter blade.
Eventually, though, Smith gets caught and taken to the Hammerson mansion where Hertz breaks his fingers, one by one, trying to get him to reveal the location of the baby. Of coruse, one false move, and Smith escapes, turns the guns on everyone, and flees to the living room upstairs. His fingers are not capable of pulling a trigger, but while Hertz is blabbering on and one about how much he's going to enjoy seeing Smith die, Smith holds up his hand with a bullet between each finger pointed directly at Hertz. The heat of the fire causes all four chambers to explode and the bullets go right into Hurtz. He's stunned that he's finally been outsmarted.
The final scene shows Smith, Oliver, and DQ being reunited in a diner in the middle of no where. How he found them, was fate. But this time around, when the place is robbed, he doesn't sit still and watch his loved ones get shot up, instead, he shoots up the place attacking each robber for his most annoying trait (the ponytail, the dirty sandal foot, the earring). He takes out the gang single handedly and saves the day.
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