Movie Review for College (2008)

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Review #679 of 365
Movie Review of College (2008) [R] 94 minutes
WIP™ Scale: $3.25
Where Viewed: United Artists Denver Pavilions Stadium 15, Denver, CO
When Seen: 1 September 2008 @ 7:10 pm
DVD Release Date: Unscheduled (please check back)
After the Credits: Unknown didn't stay, couldn't get out of there fast enough

Soundtrack: Download now from Transcenders - College - or - order the CD below

Directed by: Deb Hagan (Pee Shy)
Screenplay by: Dan Callahan (debut) • Adam Ellison (debut)

Featured Cast (Where You Might Remember Him/Her From):
Drake Bell (Superhero Movie) • Andrew Caldwell (Drillbit Taylor) • Kevin Covais ("American Idol") • Ryan Pinkston (Full of It) • Camille Mana (Smart People) • Haley Bennett (Music and Lyrics) • Nathalie Walker (Towelhead ) • Nick Zano ("7th Heaven") • Gary Owen (Little Man) • Zach Cregger ("The Whitest Kids U Know") • Alona Tal ("Cane")

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Ok, I'm going to do something a little differently here. First, I'm writing in the first person. Hey, I'm a critic, I'm a columnist, I'm allowed. Second, I'm going to start with something nice about this movie. I've never watched Nickelodeon's "Drake and Josh" show. But after seeing Josh Peck in The Wackness, I decided I kinda like him. He's a great up and coming young actor. Well, however, after seeing Drake Bell in Superhero Movie, I was pretty convinced I didn't like him. Fast forward, though, to seeing him in College, and I'm doing an about face…he's actually a pretty good actor. He has real potential. I even discovered he's also a musician, like probably everyone whos's in the 'in' crowd of the world of Green Slime already knew. So, I downloaded one of his songs, legally, from iTunes™ of course. It's a song called, "Found a Way" from the album "It's Only Time" Drake Bell - It's Only Time and played it over and over about a millions times. I guess, to be fair, I alternated it with The Jonas Brothers's "The Year 3000" Jonas Brothers - Jonas Brothers, but that's beside the point. The point is that I really like that song. It's catchy, it's fun. So, who knew? This Drake Bell kid, who's got kind of a funny name—do you remember the episode of "Seinfeld" where they are all concerned about getting a gift for The Drake? Now, I'm really off topic. Anyway, the kid, Drake Bell turns out to be a pretty talented performer. Ok, I'm thinking my cover's blown. I'm totally off topic because there's no way on earth I really want to review or write anything about this movie called College. If you've suffered through it, you know why. If you haven't, you don't want to know why? Do you? Isn't it enough that I just say, "Um, don't see it. Avoid it at all costs. Don't even go if you are feeling guilty because you stole your Dad's car and really want to impress your date with a movie he or she will never forget and all of the cool kids are saying this is this summer's Superbad."?

Sure, Drake Bell has some promise. Well, even that little "American Idol" failure, Kevin Covais (affectionately known as Chicken Little for his surprising resemblance to the Disney® Film character of the same name) who, for some reason accepted a role in this utterly moronic film, wasn't that bad either. But, that's where it ends, and I've started falling off the pedestal when it comes to saying something nice about this movie. That's about the extent of the nice stuff anyone could ever have to say about it. I tried really hard to give Superbad the review it deserved—not a good one—in hopes that no one would ever get the idea that movies like it should become a trend. But, unfortunately, my warnings went unheeded leading, apparently, Dan Callahan and Adam Ellison to think writing up, Deb Hagan to agree that directing, and for the cast of some talent and some lesser talents to believe that acting in this drivel was a very good idea. Not sure on what planet let alone continent people would agree that College is a good film. Not wanting to talk about it or travel down this road, but without much choice, let's dissect what little there is of a story. Kevin Brewer (Drake Bell) and his 'best' friends, the completely idiotic Carter Scott played haplessly by Andrew Caldwell (is it too early in his career to call him a hack, because if it's not, well, he's a hack) and the bumbling Morris Hooper (Kevin Covais), using plot devices so extremely overly contrived as to nearly seem not contrived at all, end up going for a weekend trip to a nearby college for the traditional campus weekend visit. Which, by the way, Parents and Guardians out there, is code for getting inducted into what college drinking and partying is all about—not so much on the going to classes and meeting professors etc. sorry to burst your Teflon® coated bubble, and no don't ask me why any parent in his or her right mind drops $5, $7, $9, or all the way up to a sweet $48K per year on their offspring's drinking and partying habits, but that's a whole different movie—maybe that could be Nanette Burstein's next documentary film project after her spectacularly scathing American Teen. Kevin is going to have the weekend of his life after being dumped by his long-term girlfriend, Gina (Alona Tal) who obviously doesn't recognize that Kevin is really the amazing Drake Bell from "Drake and Josh". Carter is going because faux-hawked Fletcher (Ryan Pinkston—the kid from Ashton Kutcher's "Punk'd" is all grown up now) went the weekend before and literally had the "best weekend of his life" which included, according to him, getting lucky three times, and by "lucky" I mean what teenage boys think they are supposed to consider lucky not what your sweet silver-haired senior citizen next door neighbor lady who converts her Social Security check into silver dollars for the slot machines at the gas station near her retirement community in Laughlin, Nevada thinks is "lucky".

…watching the government-mandated blood born pathogen training video is a more enjoyable experience…
Morris is going because his parents dream of him following in their legacy footsteps and securing a prized full scholarship like they had rather than fulfilling his foolish, trite, mundane, been-there-done-that, pipe dream of attending an Ivy League school. This unlikely band of brothers who have as much in common as Cheeze Whiz®, Aqua Fresh®, and Retin-A® (they all come in a tube I guess), sets out in Kevin's car to experience college life to the fullest. Their experience gets off on the wrong foot, as does the film, when they arrive at their assigned dorm room to find a weird dude who seems to be not-so-discreetly engaging with the livestock in his room. Fortunately, Carter's cousin is a legacy at one of the frats on campus, and he feels confident he can salvage the day by getting them a much cooler place to stay. While the legacy thing seems inconsequential, reluctant-at-first-frat-boys turn over a new leaf when the president of the house, Teague (Nick Zano) reminds them they have no pledges—code for they have no one to torture or haze. So, the boys are shown the basement and begin a weekend of utter hell. Teague, Cooper (Zach Cregger), and their manchild, non-traditionally aged, refusing to graduate and move on sidekick, affectionately known as Bearcat (Gary Owen) have their work cut out for them thinking up new and ingenious ways to make the boys lives miserable right down to forcing them to do alcoholic body shots off Bearcat's ugly, sweaty, nasty, disgusting, terribly gross, fur-covered body—this scene is worth the price of admission for anyone with stomach trouble hoping to clear it up fast. Oh, my, but that's only the beginning of the torturously pathetic rest of the film. In a nutshell, bad guys do bad things to good guys who then retaliate to impress good girls whom they meet at a Frat party, oh my! I don't suppose you've ever heard a plot anything like this before in your life have you?

The sad thing about College and movies of its genre is that they are one gigantic waste of everything. You want to do your part for the environment? Don't see this movie. Teach these people and director Deb Hagan and the producers and the studios a lesson once and for all, vote with your feet and march into just about any other open theatre door instead. Trust me, you won't be sorry, you aren't missing anything, if this is what the cool kids are seeing it's not by choice it's because they think they're supposed to see it and think it's funny even though I'm willing to go on record as saying that watching the government-mandated blood born pathogen training video is a more enjoyable experience even though is doesn't star the up and coming Drake Bell. Drake, fire your agent. If these are the only movies you can get, Superhero and College, stick to your singing career. You got 99-cents out of me and I didn't even know you could sing! I'll do all I can to advertise you music, buddy! (see Drake Bell's page at Your Celebrity Faves in the News)

The $3.25 rating for this film? $3 is the minimum, it's the 0 stars on the star scale. And there's 25-cents for Drake Bell.

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Other Projects Featuring College (2008)
Cast Members
Drake BellAndrew CaldwellKevin Covais
Ryan PinkstonCamille ManaHaley Bennett
Nathalie WalkerNick ZanoGary Owen
Zach Cregger
Deb Hagan
Dan CallahanAdam Ellison

Review-lite College (2008) [max of 150 words]
Sure, here's fewer than 150 words on College…don't see it! Drake Bell's cool, but this movie's not!

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